I thought I saw Emma this weekend at the Astoria Beer Garden, a huge walled-in backyard in Queens that belongs to some kind of Czech heritage center that filled the space with picnic tables and county fair-style beer-filling stations. On a good weekend, probably close to 800 people go there to talk loudly and order pitchers of Eastern European beers.
When I visited last Saturday, a girl was there celebrating her birthday with friends. She was wearing a black summer dress, clearly having an awesome time and from 25 feet away, looked just like Emma. Upper back tattoo and all (For some reason, “neck tattoo” sounds too trashy. Like neck tattoos can only be of someone’s name written in Gothic script). The girl also wore a tiara which I understand is the universal sign for Don’t Bother Me Tomorrow and, also, No Need To Roofie Me, I Plan On Getting Blackout Drunk All On My Own.
It was plain to see that this girl had already drank way, way too much, but wasn’t the Pass Out Standing Up type drunk, but instead was a Party Until I Do Something Regrettable and Alienate My Friends type drunk. She came with a picnic table full of revelers who were also a little out of hand. Only one friend was sober enough to be concerned for the birthday girl.
The concerned friend talked to the birthday princess one-on-one and probably tried to explain that it was time to go home. The two were facing each other, looking serious and standing about a foot apart, when the birthday girl suddenly fidgeted with her summer dress and dropped her top. The concerned friend lunged in to try to cover her up, but the birthday girl backpedaled away and tripped backwards into a trash can! As a party favor for everyone watching, the can, hilariously, did not tumble over, but instead propped the girl up as though she plopped herself down onto a sagging beach chair with only her head, arms, and lower legs hanging out over the can’s rim. She was sitting there for a moment, topless mind you, positioned like she was about to be sling shot out of a human catapult.
There was chaos. There was a round of applause. Everyone left happy and satisfied. Now I just need to find out what the birthday girl’s concerned friend said that made her drop her top so I can test to see if the line will work on anyone else.
In: Swine Flu Jokes
Out: Lifting back a sleeve’s cuff to check the time on a wrist watch (though I’m working on bringing it back)
Tags: Bad Jokes, Birthday Cone Hat, In/Out, Lists
