Skinny Jean

Listen, ladies, all’s I’m saying is that if you’re planning on wearing skinny jeans, make sure you have impeccable bone structure in your knees. I’m sick of walking behind women wearing skinny leg jeans that draw attention to their knock-knees. And by “sick”, I don’t only mean “tired of it”, but also “I feel nausea and I may vomit a smidgen from the thought of it”.

I understand skinny jeans used to be hip and were cutting edge long enough ago that by now, every brand makes a pair and every store sells them in sizes fitting thighs of any thickness and waists of any width. Now anyone can wear skinny jeans even if their bone structure politely suggest they shouldn’t. What I’m hoping is that women will understand that if the pants don’t flatter their body, they should pass on buying a pair.

Seriously though? Knock-knees are nasty. I mean really. You might have thin ankles and an ass that’s flat enough for skinny jeans, but if you don’t have straight knees, consider a different pant. Maybe a straight leg pleated trouser, for instance.

And this type of consideration isn’t limited to women. I hope you’re not assuming that I’m offering this advice because I’m sexist. Please. I think men absolutely need to consider their body type when buying their clothes, too.

Ponytail caps, for instance, are all the rage. Huge in Williamsburg. I’ve scooted into a fitting room or two and tried a couple on and found that they didn’t compliment my profile the way I was hoping. I even tried moussing the ponytail to try to style it to compliment my face. It still didn’t work, so I didn’t buy it. And it’s too bad, yes, but my body features are what they are and I have accepted that.

Another example: Casual hiking boots. I love them. I think they look great, feel great and provide ample arch support. They are all-terrain, all-weather footwear, but as much as I’d like to put them on every day, I know I can’t wear them on especially hot days when I’m wearing shorts. I have skinny legs and unflattering ankles, so as great as the boots could look paired with a cute pair of khaki shorts, because of my body type, I can only wear casual hiking boots with pants. I have learned this. It’s too bad, but it’s the truth. I think pairing a casual hiking boot with khaki safari shorts and a gray wool sock is a sharp look. And it’s comfy. But just as knock-kneed women and emotionally retarded men should avoid skinny jeans, I understand that pony tail caps and pairing casual hiking boots with short pants are not figure flattering for me and therefore cannot be added to my wardrobe.

Unfortunately, some fads will have to pass me by because some trends aren’t for everyone. It’s a difficult pill to swallow and a hard reality to confess at first, but it’s one we all have to measure ourselves against.

There are always other trends, though. Remember when prosthetic metal hook hands were in? Remember how so many of us who are full of life and limbs were left behind? We couldn’t join in on the trend. It hurt a little bit at first that we couldn’t wear chic slender prosthetic metal hook hands, but it wasn’t the end of the world and we just waited for the next fad. And when that next fad arrived, we were all happy and satisfied to know that almost everyone can wear paisley sequined cummerbunds.

We’ve all made little sacrifices for fashion. Remember when we wrapped Ace bandages around our chests so we would look fabulous in children’s T-shirts? Or, one summer when some friends preformed auto-globe luxation so they could wear a genuine prescription eye patch when eye patches were suddenly in? My point is that we have all done innocent things like losing a few pounds to fit into a shirt or pair of long pants that look incredible, but we can’t change whole body parts to fit into clothes. I’ve learned this through hindsight because we can all agree that the few crazies who had their hands surgically removed so they can wear prosthetic metal hook hands showed that permanently changing your body like that is wrong and dangerous and won’t look as fabulous six months after the fact. And as far as I know, there isn’t a medical procedure or exercise routine that corrects knock-knees.

All’s I’m saying is that if you have knock-knees, please consider a straight leg pleated trouser, not a skinny jean. I know I’ve made my own sacrifices for fashion and just think that together, we should all use some common sense and decency before buying a skinny jean.

In: Pattered tights and stockings
Out: Ponytail Caps, Casual Hiking Boots and Shorts, Prosthetic Metal Hook Hands, Paisley Sequined Cummerbunds, Prescription Eye Patches

Tags: Skinny Jeans, Knock-Knees, Ponytail Cap, Casual Hiking Boots, Short Pants, In/Out