Poor Timing

Like correctly guessing last night’s lottery numbers, I always come up with Halloween costumes at the worst time. Like, a full year before Halloween.

I just came up with this costume idea today and can’t wait to wear it in 11 months: next year for Halloween, I’m going to go as Guy Getting a Bowl Cut.

All I need is a pair of clippers like this.

And a barber’s cape like so.

And then I’ll cut the brim off one of these souvenir baseball helmets (that you can get without a logo).

Heavens! And that’s how you earn an honorable mention in next year’s costume party contest.

Fake Laughs

My new thing is to tell an absolutely flat, purposefully unfunny joke and then follow it up with a dramatic fake laugh. The exaggerated fake laugh punctuates just how awful the joke was and ends up being the true punchline.

In case you guys were wondering if it’d OK to use a fake laugh at work, here’s how it went for me today:

A guy who works in my office walked by today with squeaking sneakers and announced, “I know! My shoes are squeaking.” Because they were, see, his shoes were squeaking. So a coworker says, “You’re not going to sneak up on anybody with those squeaky shoes!” And then I said, “Maybe not, but he sure will squeak up on someone! (followed by a *fake laugh* followed by “Oh, me!”)

Followed by *no reaction from anyone*

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Sandwich Boarding [sand-wich bawr-ding] – noun – A humiliating, controversial interrogation method authorized by the Obama administration whereby suspected terrorists are forced to advertise eyebrow threading and manicure specials on New York City street corners in the driving rain.

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Just so you’re aware, if I see an Indian (someone from South Asia, not a Native American) wearing a money belt, I’m going to call him a “Fanny Paki”.

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Bad Idea: Permanent tattoo made to look like a peeling temporary tattoo of a dragon

Lacking Taste

According to a Buffalo Wild Wings press release posted in the neighborhood blog section at The New York Times website today, the Wild Wings franchise up the street from me in Brooklyn has a 40-cent wings special on Tuesday nights:

“There were two shooting incidents last night, one on Fulton Street in which two teenagers were shot, neither life threatening, and one incident on Flatbush and Fulton Street, also non-life-threatening. There was also a stabbing in the vicinity of the Atlantic Center Mall. All incidents, although not directly related, were the result of a promotion for all high school kids from several schools throughout the borough to meet at Buffalo Wild Wings for a (Tuesday night) 40-cent wing promotion. (No school today.) Although there was a huge police presence at the mall to address the condition and turn the thousands of students away and send them back home, apparently a few rogue groups managed to cause trouble while heading home. None of the involved individuals were from Clinton Hill, Fort Greene.” Source

Damn, Girl! 40-cent wings at Wild Wings every Tuesday!!

Milestones

I was invited to a pretty neat party last weekend and had fun for the short time I was there. What wasn’t the best, though, was that everyone started singing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall just as I arrived. I can appreciate the concept and the commitment and there really were 99 bottles of beer on the wall, but still…

So, yeah, you can cross intermittently mouthing along to 96 of the 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall with a group of strangers off my bucket list.

October 2009 Mix

This month’s mix is called October 2009 Mix. It’s kind of a timeless naming convention, so why mess with it?

Here’s why the October 2009 Mix is right for you:

01 Let’s Burn One Down :: Weed Diamond
02 Belong :: Washed Out
03 I Gotta Get Smart :: El Perro del Mar
04 Upside Down :: Banjo or Freakout
05 Animal Tracks :: Mountain Man
06 Pale Blue Eyes :: The Velvet Underground
07 The First Days of Spring :: Noah and the Whale
08 Beach Town :: Le Loup
09 Drowning Men :: Fanfarlo
10 Dinosaurs :: The Maccabees
11 Dens :: Holiday Shores
12 Slow Fade :: Desolation Wilderness
13 My Heart :: Wildbird & Peacedrums
14 Nadine :: Fool’s Gold
15 Esma :: Menahan Street Band

Download it here!

Spooktacular

I was joined by an interesting woman while waiting for a bus last night. She was about 5′4″ tall and, generously, 220 pounds. Perfectly round and dressed in a black-on-black sweatpants jump suit, she had to lean back to waddle briskly to the bus stop. The woman was sweating like a stutterer at a speed dating hookup and made it difficult for me to look away while she bowled toward me and panted, “I have to make it to Party City before they close tonight!” Alright. I glanced down the street and saw the bus was only a few blocks away, so I tried to reassure her. “The bus will be here in a minute and it’s not even 7:30. You’ll make it to Party City, no problem.”

With some hysteria, she insisted, “I have to make it to Party City before they close!” What could she so urgently need at Party City that couldn’t wait until the morning? Piñata candy? A dozen Finding Nemo birthday cone hats? A box of plastic spider rings? Plus, she clearly wanted me to ask for her to explain, right? So I asked why she desperately needed to get to Party City before they closed on a Monday night. Apparently, “I have a Halloween party tomorrow night and need a costume. I have to get to Party City before they close!”

My first thought was to try to calm her down. It crossed my mind to suggest, “You don’t need to buy a new costume. You could go dressed as a cannonball. I mean, if you don’t mind wearing the same outfit two nights in a row.” Not good though, right? So I stalled and made an exaggerated glance down the street to see if the bus was any closer. It hadn’t made any progress since the last time I checked, so I reconsidered my advice.

My new approach was that if I couldn’t put her at ease about her chances of making it to Party City before it closed, I could at least point out the absurdity in having to find a costume three weeks before Halloween. Kind of shift the blame to the party’s host for putting her in a pinch, you know? Finally offering, “You’re going to a Halloween party three weeks before Halloween? Man, those are always the best. Legendary. I went to a Halloween party last August? I’m still hung-over!” I’m trying to hint that it’s not her fault that she doesn’t have a costume yet; it’s three weeks before Halloween! How many people already have their costume set and ready to go? But then, of course she had to let me know, “Well, it’s my Halloween party.”

With that, I should have felt like a terrible person for pressing the conversation and ignorantly making fun of her Halloween party. But since I’m disinclined to take responsibility for what I say, at the same time, how could anyone host a Halloween party so early in the season? Isn’t my cynicism justified?

Not only am I right, I’m angry and can think of three reasons why this Halloween party is going to be a disaster: (1.) The pantsjumpsuited woman in charge doesn’t have a costume for her own party (2.) that no one cool will ever consider attending because (3.) it’s being held on a Tuesday night (October 6th), more than three weeks before Halloween. Which are also the three reasons why I must find a way to get invited to this party.

Now I just have to figure out how to get to Party City before it closes tonight.

Halloween

Avi decided that she wants to be a bumble bee for Halloween this year and that her sister, Lilly, should go as honey. I need to sit down for a minute. The overwhelming cuteness is making me light-headed.

Quick and Painless

I’d like to nominate the one where someone sarcastically points out that the fat ass at McDonald’s just ordered one of everything on the menu, then added a Diet Coke as the most played out joke of all time. Any other contenders?

Trendsetters and fashion experts (are all going to) agree, Inverted Tan Lines are “The New Sexy”. If you don’t know yet, people with Inverted Tans have completely pale skin all over their body except for a deep tan in the shape of bikini briefs on their crotch. You should really consider jumping aboard this trend with me before it takes off.

I told my parents I’d consider online dating, so I began replying to every w4m Missed Connection posting on Craigslist. I’m hoping to find a woman into bald men and liars.

Words that haven’t been spoken since 1992: Make mine a Michelob

In: The phrase, “Don’t get fresh with me”
Out: The phrase, “I Know Funny”